Fear

I have so much on my mind and I want to write about it all but I don't because of fear. Not so much because Halloween is around the corner, but the timing is quite ironic I suppose.

Fear of no one caring to read it (really? why does that matter Chrissy?)
Fear of the grammar police (you're, your and their, there, they're)
Fear of not being relevant (I realize I am "supposed" to think like a millennial)
Fear of being mis-judged (Whoa, that was escalated out of context quickly)
Fear of what people with think (Why this matters so much I will never know)
Fear of if I even make sense (Does it flow or do I jump around too much?)
Fear of going viral for something in the worst way (Anything is possible these days)
Fear of going viral in the best way (The pressure of EVERYONE reading everything)
Fear of people knowing the internal struggle of my thoughts (Yes, I am a bit loco)

These are only a few off the top of my head. So maybe I am going to journal a little here. You don't mind do you?

Fear is a pretty powerful thing if you think about it. For centuries leaders have reigned supreme by the people's fear. I'd name some of the pretty bad dudes, but you know them already.

There is also phobia for everything. Phobophobia is even the fear of fears. We as humans naturally have fears. We are supposed to. Its healthy to know some boundaries. Too often however are we controlled by what fears us instead of taking charge and controlling our fear.

I mean, I get it. My mom raised us on a very unhealthy system of fear and respect.
You did not talk back
You did not get in the fridge without asking first
You did not go outside without asking or open the door if someone knocked.
You did not answer the phone.
You did not cross the television path when they were playing Dr. Mario on the original Nintendo set. You did not put too much ice in the glass of Pepsi that she told you to make for her.
You did not make noise when an adult was sleeping.
You did not talk to any adult at school about the welts on your backside.
You did not speak unless spoken to and you surely did not ever ask for anything while in the presence of a person from the outside.

Sounds terrible doesn't it. Parts of it was. (I could honestly write a whole blog or book about my childhood because there is so much I could share,.............. maybe one day.)

I remember it being a rough childhood and that I would vow to never ever be that type of mom. My mom, I have learned as I have matured, was just doing the best she knew, with how she was raised along with struggling with mental health issues. Does that give her a free card of excuse, No. But I do know that she did love us and didn't have the resources and support then as a single mom would have today. I think her intent was always good, even if it didn't seem like it at the time. I do know that my siblings and myself raise our children so different than how we were raised so, maybe we broke the chain of abuse finally. She mentioned many times how she got it much worse than we did and that certainly was true.

So she raised us with a strong hand (or belt) and instilled not so much the fear of God in us, but the fear of her wrath. It is no lie though, it worked. I mean, it worked way better than those ITWORKS wraps all my Facebook friends keep trying to sell me. I am thankful that even by fear I was raised on how to be respectful and obedient to authority, but unfortunately I was constantly afraid I was going to do something wrong and get in trouble. It was a terrible state to live in all the time. Come to think of it, I still walk around constantly afraid I am going to do something wrong or upset someone. I know I have just simply transferred that fear from one person to every person in my life.

"ATTENTION People Pleaser, party of 1."

 Present. (I could try and be relevant and use the girl raising her hand emoji, but I am merely just too lazy to do so. You will have to envision it in your wonderful imagination)

When your self worth is wrapped up in whether you have pleased someone or not, it is very unhealthy. Your worth is not based on how other people feel. Your worth is based on you being born. That alone means you have worth. Before you could ever do anything right or wrong, you had worth. I don't know why we try to convince ourselves that other peoples feelings about us determine our value. I am not a math wizard but I never saw "feelings" on the number scale of values.

With all that being said, I am hitting publish today on this as step one in conquering some of these fears. It may be rambles or hot garbage but I wrote today, and I published, and I didn't let fear stop me.

I hope you fight back on some of your fears today too.

xoxo