Fear

I have so much on my mind and I want to write about it all but I don't because of fear. Not so much because Halloween is around the corner, but the timing is quite ironic I suppose.

Fear of no one caring to read it (really? why does that matter Chrissy?)
Fear of the grammar police (you're, your and their, there, they're)
Fear of not being relevant (I realize I am "supposed" to think like a millennial)
Fear of being mis-judged (Whoa, that was escalated out of context quickly)
Fear of what people with think (Why this matters so much I will never know)
Fear of if I even make sense (Does it flow or do I jump around too much?)
Fear of going viral for something in the worst way (Anything is possible these days)
Fear of going viral in the best way (The pressure of EVERYONE reading everything)
Fear of people knowing the internal struggle of my thoughts (Yes, I am a bit loco)

These are only a few off the top of my head. So maybe I am going to journal a little here. You don't mind do you?

Fear is a pretty powerful thing if you think about it. For centuries leaders have reigned supreme by the people's fear. I'd name some of the pretty bad dudes, but you know them already.

There is also phobia for everything. Phobophobia is even the fear of fears. We as humans naturally have fears. We are supposed to. Its healthy to know some boundaries. Too often however are we controlled by what fears us instead of taking charge and controlling our fear.

I mean, I get it. My mom raised us on a very unhealthy system of fear and respect.
You did not talk back
You did not get in the fridge without asking first
You did not go outside without asking or open the door if someone knocked.
You did not answer the phone.
You did not cross the television path when they were playing Dr. Mario on the original Nintendo set. You did not put too much ice in the glass of Pepsi that she told you to make for her.
You did not make noise when an adult was sleeping.
You did not talk to any adult at school about the welts on your backside.
You did not speak unless spoken to and you surely did not ever ask for anything while in the presence of a person from the outside.

Sounds terrible doesn't it. Parts of it was. (I could honestly write a whole blog or book about my childhood because there is so much I could share,.............. maybe one day.)

I remember it being a rough childhood and that I would vow to never ever be that type of mom. My mom, I have learned as I have matured, was just doing the best she knew, with how she was raised along with struggling with mental health issues. Does that give her a free card of excuse, No. But I do know that she did love us and didn't have the resources and support then as a single mom would have today. I think her intent was always good, even if it didn't seem like it at the time. I do know that my siblings and myself raise our children so different than how we were raised so, maybe we broke the chain of abuse finally. She mentioned many times how she got it much worse than we did and that certainly was true.

So she raised us with a strong hand (or belt) and instilled not so much the fear of God in us, but the fear of her wrath. It is no lie though, it worked. I mean, it worked way better than those ITWORKS wraps all my Facebook friends keep trying to sell me. I am thankful that even by fear I was raised on how to be respectful and obedient to authority, but unfortunately I was constantly afraid I was going to do something wrong and get in trouble. It was a terrible state to live in all the time. Come to think of it, I still walk around constantly afraid I am going to do something wrong or upset someone. I know I have just simply transferred that fear from one person to every person in my life.

"ATTENTION People Pleaser, party of 1."

 Present. (I could try and be relevant and use the girl raising her hand emoji, but I am merely just too lazy to do so. You will have to envision it in your wonderful imagination)

When your self worth is wrapped up in whether you have pleased someone or not, it is very unhealthy. Your worth is not based on how other people feel. Your worth is based on you being born. That alone means you have worth. Before you could ever do anything right or wrong, you had worth. I don't know why we try to convince ourselves that other peoples feelings about us determine our value. I am not a math wizard but I never saw "feelings" on the number scale of values.

With all that being said, I am hitting publish today on this as step one in conquering some of these fears. It may be rambles or hot garbage but I wrote today, and I published, and I didn't let fear stop me.

I hope you fight back on some of your fears today too.

xoxo

🍪 What Your Favorite Cookie Says About You 🍪

I wrote this last year on a site called Li.st or the list app. It was fun and surprisingly, many people enjoyed it and felt I was spot on. (Of course, I am brilliant at few things, but comparing people to food is a highly mastered skill of mine.) Lets get on with it shall we?

1. •
   Snickerdoodle

   Kind of different, but in a good way. Maybe even like a hipster. No one quite understands why or how you are the way you are, few can even replicate what you are. People look up to you and say things like, "I wish I was more artistic and creative like you." You're not the most popular, but those that you love you are loyal to the core. Usually an introvert. Definitely unique and not like anything else.
2. •
   Peanut butter

   Some would call you a "man's" cookie. Rugged and tough. Full of protein and no frills. You get in and get the job done. Focused and driven. You may not have time nor want a lot of romance or thrill. You like routine and stability. These are great qualities for the structured lifestyle you maintain. You might also be former/current military. 
3. •
   Sugar cookie with frosting

   Most people like you, especially kids. You smile a lot and are and extrovert. You are funny and make people laugh. You're always down for being the center of attention everywhere. You get people hyped up and are always down for a party. Sometimes however, people don't know when to stop with you, you go to extremes and then people get sick. As long as you keep a good balance, everyone will be happy.
4. •
   Chocolate chip.

   Warm, soft, perfect. Ok, can you guess which kind is my favorite? Everyone pretty much loves you. You are the original favorite. The winning combination of humor, wit, sarcasm, and fun. You're kind, loyal, caring, and smart. You know that you aren't anything special but you're okay knowing it's the small things that matter most. Best when you've been warmed up, just a little. 😉
5. •
   White Chocolate Macadamia Nut

   Highly intelligent. You are usually the one person people come to for financial advice or if they want to talk politics or technology! You love to read and you accomplish things you set your mind to. You also know how to have a little fun, but don't get out of control. Balance in your life is a necessity.
6. •
   Oatmeal raisin

   I'm sorry, you can not be trusted. You often find yourself trying to be like others (ahem, chocolate chip) when let's face it, you're never gonna be chocolate chip. You disguise yourself, trying to deceive those around you, but you don't fool anyone. You probably also don't like puppies and babies.

Lets Get One Thing Right

I feel compelled to write. Writing always seemed like a good outlet for me, but anyone who knows me, knows I love to talk. I can't shut up most of the time and what isn't filled with "i really love yous" and "gosh I am sorry" is probably some attempt to make the person laugh or smile. If its not one of those things, its determining how I can fix something, that is probably none of my business in the first place. I sometimes just can't help myself. Then when I am told no thanks, its a very rejecting feeling when it shouldn't be at all. Its a blessing and a curse tied up in a mini apple pie. I can hardly resist a mini apple pie people!

I say all this because I want to write more. Communication has always been a passion of mine, but when left feeling so inadequate by the brilliant people who do actually write and *ahem* get published, (that would not currently include moi) it can seem like a very intimidating place. Can I just get a prime time talk show instead? Fine, it doesn't have to be prime time. I am much better with voice inflections and fake accents.

I think the trick to being a great writer is kind of just faking it. Well or it could just be being confident in what you write and not so intensely worried if others have different views, or stalk you with negative feedback. Back off trolls, this is a safe space! A sweet friend of mine told me once I have a fear of commitment. I thought "what is she talking about? I am as loyal as it comes" but the more I thought about it, she was right. I don't like to make decisions much anymore. Weighing out each set of consequences and other peoples feelings and reactions and more consequences is a lot to think about.

I chatted with one of my best friends today and mentioned the theory "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" that I am going to try and incorporate that in my life a little more, but with a twist.

*cues Fanfare music*

"Dress/Act/Embrace the life you want, not the one you have".

That is my new mantra.

So instead of wearing something half wrinkled and throwing my hair up in a mom bun, barely brushing my teeth before heading to work because I am sick with a cold, I dressed how I felt pretty, threw on a touch of makeup and wore some dangle earrings and before you knew it, I started to feel better. (yes teeth brushing and deodorant still happened) Was I technically still sick? Yes. Did I feel better though? I think yes. (The 6lbs I've lost thanks to this Fall Flu is who I really would like to thank for feeling a little better)

So I would like to just put it out there to the universe and anyone listening that I am working on looking for the positives, embracing the person I want to be, and not taking any booooooooska on the way.

This includes writing in this blog that I set up to write my overthoughts. The things I shouldn't think about but constantly do. Without fear or judgement or worry what someone might think. THE NAME OF THE SILLY THING IS CALLED ONCE UPON AN OVERTHOUGHT for crying out loud!

Okay, sorry for yelling.

Xoxo