I sat there for a few minutes, contemplating if I would sit out there for 20 minutes before having to go get them. I love feeling the hot sun and the sweet cool breeze. I take a sip of my sweet tea and for a moment just breathe. Amazon music on, a favorite soothing playlist I have created. I feel my head fall back into the headrest and I close my eyes for a brief moment.
"Go inside." The little voice says.
I sit there even longer. Thinking then of all the things I could get done in those now 15 minutes I had before I had to leave and go get them. I could start more laundry, because I am great at washing and drying laundry. I could win awards for how great I am at putting clothes in the washer, maybe only honorable mention for getting them in the dryer. Afterwards it gets a little fuzzy. I then add it to the basket on top of the dryer next to the other basket, full of clean clothes. It never ends. Then I think about how that whole laundry room is completely not set up practical for what I need it to be, which then just brings in more negative thoughts about the house itself and things that have happened there.
"Go inside"
I sit there longer, thinking I could maybe unload the dishwasher or contemplate what I should make for dinner. Maybe I will just pick up some chicken from the grocery store, that's easy enough. I get bonus points because its not McDonald's right? I have some fruit inside and I can throw a veggie with it. Dinner done.
"Go inside"
Let see what is going on on Instagram....scroll, scroll, scroll, like, like. I don't understand these new 'stories". I get so restless of social media in general. I am so glad everyone else has their life together. I can't even go inside my own house without fearing a panic attack. Why doesn't this happen when I bring the kids home? I guess when you're a mom of 3 children, work full time, are finishing college and trying to not lose every ounce of who you are, you just do what you need to do. Its really like reflex. I never really thought I had it in me to be a mom. I struggle with this because I am not a "great mom". I am marginal I suppose. My mom was gone a lot growing up and I had to figure out too many things on my own. I just want better for them, while trying to deal with all my issues. I do have happy, healthy, mostly well behaved kids. No, I am not giving them glutton free non MSG foods without red dye number 5, but we get by. I was raised on much less and I turned out okay, well.....I should rethink that statement.
"Go inside"
Am I stalling? Wait, I have a Twitter notification! Oh, its some spam account that has followed me. That was a little let down. Scroll, scroll, like, re-tweet. Wow this person re-tweets way way way too much. *Turns off retweets*. Sigh, that's better.
"Go inside"
Well I have managed to sit out here for at least 10 minutes, feeling the breeze, singing to my music while enjoying the sunshine. Why would I give that up? Lets see, I could scroll through FB, it has been like 4 days since I looked at that scary place. Wow, you are getting desperate here girl. Ok, that was a bad idea. I couldn't get past the first 5 posts.
"Go inside"
Fine. But only because I have to go the bathroom and by the time I get in, do my business and get out it will be time to go get my little wonders.
"Why are you still sitting there?"
The sunshine heat just feels so good. I can wait to use the bathroom, maybe I will just go for a drive until its time to pick them up, I need to go get the chicken anyway.
"Seatbelt"
Anxiety appears to have won this battle. I never did go inside. I went, picked up chicken, picked up my children and we all came home together and fell into our routine of "Leave your sister alone", "No, get that out of your mouth," and "Its bedtime!"
I do however think though, for those 20 or so minutes I spent in that car, its just me time. Chrissy Time. Relax and shut out the world for just a few seconds time. I can be whoever I want to be, kind of like Cinderella "in her own little corner, in her own little chair" For a brief moment I'm not just "their mom" or "her daughter" or "her sister" but just me. The girl who's heart is too big and mind that is rarely satisfied. Who is craving not only knowledge but moments. Experiences. Memories. So even if she sat in her car, for 20 minutes instead of going inside, she took the time needed for herself.
Maybe it was a win after all.
Xoxo
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