Writing Again

Now. 

Right now I’m tired and a bit frustrated. My daughter is fighting bedtime and we’ve been through every excuse known to man. Except in a fit she smacks her head on her bed. Now she wants extra sympathy and an ice pack and to sleep in my bed. Mean momma that I am I send her back to her bed, in fake tears. Reward the fit? No. Cuddle her? Maybe? No? What’s the right answer??? There isn’t one. 

Parenting is TOUGH. And single parenting? I dare say tougher. No united front. No tag teaming. It’s all on you sunshine and if the pressure isn’t enough to crack you, the guilt is. 

See there is 3 of them and one of me. I’m not a math wizard but I know enough to tell you that leaves me at least one hand short of holding while walking somewhere and a half dozen eyes and ears to see and hear each one of them and their requests. I should point out that hand holding isn’t really a requirement for the ages of my children but they love to hold my hand while walking and the rotation system I have for who gets to hold my hand isn’t cutting it. 

I’ve been listening to Mrs Rachel Hollis lately. I adore her. She is a great motivator and encourager. Her book Girl Wash Your Face is a must read (or in my case, listen). She’s likely the reason I’m writing this now. Following my dreams and passions, setting goals and trying to be intentional about some things in my life. 

I have started to struggle with something lately though. I almost reached out and sent her a DM on the subject but then I remembered something she wrote saying “she writes about what she knows” so it seems like she probably isn’t the best person to get advice from in my struggle. 

See I’m divorced. I am one of numerous women who thought they were signing up for one thing and ended up in a toxic marriage full of lies and deceit. It took me years to really realize how bad things were for me emotionally and how I did not want my kids to think it was okay to live a life where you are treated poorly. I want them to have enough respect and love for themselves to NOT be constant people pleasers but to stand up for who they are. 

It’s funny, some will say I’m so strong for standing up for myself and leaving. Others will say I am weak for not fighting the devil and his will to break up my marriage. I’ve determined in my mind I’m neither. I’m a woman who made some bad choices and now I’m faced with the consequences. There are times I’ve felt proud of myself and times I’ve felt horrible. It’s a process. It’s a messy, terrible process. I do think I’m going to continue to grow in the process though.

The best part is I get to write the next chapter of my life and I finally get to be the leading lady in my story. Kinda how it’s supposed to be right?

It’s quiet in my house now. She has fallen off to sleep and momma is quickly behind her. Some things take just a little extra time. Give yourself another dose of patience. Hang in there momma. 

Xoxo

Christina

Fear

I have so much on my mind and I want to write about it all but I don't because of fear. Not so much because Halloween is around the corner, but the timing is quite ironic I suppose.

Fear of no one caring to read it (really? why does that matter Chrissy?)
Fear of the grammar police (you're, your and their, there, they're)
Fear of not being relevant (I realize I am "supposed" to think like a millennial)
Fear of being mis-judged (Whoa, that was escalated out of context quickly)
Fear of what people with think (Why this matters so much I will never know)
Fear of if I even make sense (Does it flow or do I jump around too much?)
Fear of going viral for something in the worst way (Anything is possible these days)
Fear of going viral in the best way (The pressure of EVERYONE reading everything)
Fear of people knowing the internal struggle of my thoughts (Yes, I am a bit loco)

These are only a few off the top of my head. So maybe I am going to journal a little here. You don't mind do you?

Fear is a pretty powerful thing if you think about it. For centuries leaders have reigned supreme by the people's fear. I'd name some of the pretty bad dudes, but you know them already.

There is also phobia for everything. Phobophobia is even the fear of fears. We as humans naturally have fears. We are supposed to. Its healthy to know some boundaries. Too often however are we controlled by what fears us instead of taking charge and controlling our fear.

I mean, I get it. My mom raised us on a very unhealthy system of fear and respect.
You did not talk back
You did not get in the fridge without asking first
You did not go outside without asking or open the door if someone knocked.
You did not answer the phone.
You did not cross the television path when they were playing Dr. Mario on the original Nintendo set. You did not put too much ice in the glass of Pepsi that she told you to make for her.
You did not make noise when an adult was sleeping.
You did not talk to any adult at school about the welts on your backside.
You did not speak unless spoken to and you surely did not ever ask for anything while in the presence of a person from the outside.

Sounds terrible doesn't it. Parts of it was. (I could honestly write a whole blog or book about my childhood because there is so much I could share,.............. maybe one day.)

I remember it being a rough childhood and that I would vow to never ever be that type of mom. My mom, I have learned as I have matured, was just doing the best she knew, with how she was raised along with struggling with mental health issues. Does that give her a free card of excuse, No. But I do know that she did love us and didn't have the resources and support then as a single mom would have today. I think her intent was always good, even if it didn't seem like it at the time. I do know that my siblings and myself raise our children so different than how we were raised so, maybe we broke the chain of abuse finally. She mentioned many times how she got it much worse than we did and that certainly was true.

So she raised us with a strong hand (or belt) and instilled not so much the fear of God in us, but the fear of her wrath. It is no lie though, it worked. I mean, it worked way better than those ITWORKS wraps all my Facebook friends keep trying to sell me. I am thankful that even by fear I was raised on how to be respectful and obedient to authority, but unfortunately I was constantly afraid I was going to do something wrong and get in trouble. It was a terrible state to live in all the time. Come to think of it, I still walk around constantly afraid I am going to do something wrong or upset someone. I know I have just simply transferred that fear from one person to every person in my life.

"ATTENTION People Pleaser, party of 1."

 Present. (I could try and be relevant and use the girl raising her hand emoji, but I am merely just too lazy to do so. You will have to envision it in your wonderful imagination)

When your self worth is wrapped up in whether you have pleased someone or not, it is very unhealthy. Your worth is not based on how other people feel. Your worth is based on you being born. That alone means you have worth. Before you could ever do anything right or wrong, you had worth. I don't know why we try to convince ourselves that other peoples feelings about us determine our value. I am not a math wizard but I never saw "feelings" on the number scale of values.

With all that being said, I am hitting publish today on this as step one in conquering some of these fears. It may be rambles or hot garbage but I wrote today, and I published, and I didn't let fear stop me.

I hope you fight back on some of your fears today too.

xoxo

🍪 What Your Favorite Cookie Says About You 🍪

I wrote this last year on a site called Li.st or the list app. It was fun and surprisingly, many people enjoyed it and felt I was spot on. (Of course, I am brilliant at few things, but comparing people to food is a highly mastered skill of mine.) Lets get on with it shall we?

1. •
   Snickerdoodle

   Kind of different, but in a good way. Maybe even like a hipster. No one quite understands why or how you are the way you are, few can even replicate what you are. People look up to you and say things like, "I wish I was more artistic and creative like you." You're not the most popular, but those that you love you are loyal to the core. Usually an introvert. Definitely unique and not like anything else.
2. •
   Peanut butter

   Some would call you a "man's" cookie. Rugged and tough. Full of protein and no frills. You get in and get the job done. Focused and driven. You may not have time nor want a lot of romance or thrill. You like routine and stability. These are great qualities for the structured lifestyle you maintain. You might also be former/current military. 
3. •
   Sugar cookie with frosting

   Most people like you, especially kids. You smile a lot and are and extrovert. You are funny and make people laugh. You're always down for being the center of attention everywhere. You get people hyped up and are always down for a party. Sometimes however, people don't know when to stop with you, you go to extremes and then people get sick. As long as you keep a good balance, everyone will be happy.
4. •
   Chocolate chip.

   Warm, soft, perfect. Ok, can you guess which kind is my favorite? Everyone pretty much loves you. You are the original favorite. The winning combination of humor, wit, sarcasm, and fun. You're kind, loyal, caring, and smart. You know that you aren't anything special but you're okay knowing it's the small things that matter most. Best when you've been warmed up, just a little. 😉
5. •
   White Chocolate Macadamia Nut

   Highly intelligent. You are usually the one person people come to for financial advice or if they want to talk politics or technology! You love to read and you accomplish things you set your mind to. You also know how to have a little fun, but don't get out of control. Balance in your life is a necessity.
6. •
   Oatmeal raisin

   I'm sorry, you can not be trusted. You often find yourself trying to be like others (ahem, chocolate chip) when let's face it, you're never gonna be chocolate chip. You disguise yourself, trying to deceive those around you, but you don't fool anyone. You probably also don't like puppies and babies.

Lets Get One Thing Right

I feel compelled to write. Writing always seemed like a good outlet for me, but anyone who knows me, knows I love to talk. I can't shut up most of the time and what isn't filled with "i really love yous" and "gosh I am sorry" is probably some attempt to make the person laugh or smile. If its not one of those things, its determining how I can fix something, that is probably none of my business in the first place. I sometimes just can't help myself. Then when I am told no thanks, its a very rejecting feeling when it shouldn't be at all. Its a blessing and a curse tied up in a mini apple pie. I can hardly resist a mini apple pie people!

I say all this because I want to write more. Communication has always been a passion of mine, but when left feeling so inadequate by the brilliant people who do actually write and *ahem* get published, (that would not currently include moi) it can seem like a very intimidating place. Can I just get a prime time talk show instead? Fine, it doesn't have to be prime time. I am much better with voice inflections and fake accents.

I think the trick to being a great writer is kind of just faking it. Well or it could just be being confident in what you write and not so intensely worried if others have different views, or stalk you with negative feedback. Back off trolls, this is a safe space! A sweet friend of mine told me once I have a fear of commitment. I thought "what is she talking about? I am as loyal as it comes" but the more I thought about it, she was right. I don't like to make decisions much anymore. Weighing out each set of consequences and other peoples feelings and reactions and more consequences is a lot to think about.

I chatted with one of my best friends today and mentioned the theory "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" that I am going to try and incorporate that in my life a little more, but with a twist.

*cues Fanfare music*

"Dress/Act/Embrace the life you want, not the one you have".

That is my new mantra.

So instead of wearing something half wrinkled and throwing my hair up in a mom bun, barely brushing my teeth before heading to work because I am sick with a cold, I dressed how I felt pretty, threw on a touch of makeup and wore some dangle earrings and before you knew it, I started to feel better. (yes teeth brushing and deodorant still happened) Was I technically still sick? Yes. Did I feel better though? I think yes. (The 6lbs I've lost thanks to this Fall Flu is who I really would like to thank for feeling a little better)

So I would like to just put it out there to the universe and anyone listening that I am working on looking for the positives, embracing the person I want to be, and not taking any booooooooska on the way.

This includes writing in this blog that I set up to write my overthoughts. The things I shouldn't think about but constantly do. Without fear or judgement or worry what someone might think. THE NAME OF THE SILLY THING IS CALLED ONCE UPON AN OVERTHOUGHT for crying out loud!

Okay, sorry for yelling.

Xoxo

When Meh Becomes Oh My

Everyone has their own likes, dislikes, preferences...etc. Its what makes us who we are. Unique. Someone might be extremely passionate about goat soap and someone else maybe loves constructing with legos. It's who we are as humans. My personal likes and passions can be very different than yours and that's totally OKAY. This even comes into play with our choices of music. Feeling as though I am somewhat of a musician/singer myself I have a strong appreciation for good music. A recent conversation with someone asked what I considered good music. I never really thought about it in a way to explain it to someone, so I tried with this person telling them I think good music has a few components. Of course all subjective ....by moi.

1. Strong vocals. Vocals that show a good range of talent that has good tone, pitch, etc. Being a singer this is important to me. Narcissistic maybe, but I want you to be able to do what I can't. Blow me away with your beautiful powerful or soulful voice. 

2. Strong music. Melodies and chords that make your body want to move in some way. I pick around at a few instruments and I know playing music can be difficult. Someone who can play music and showcase their talent is always up my alley of a must listen. 

3. Strong lyrics. Song lyrics that you feel like you could have written if you were as talented as the artist. Song lyrics that rip your heart out, but also mend you right back together. The ones that make you feel like you can take on the world and the ones that say its been a bad day, but tomorrow is a new day. Write something I can feel, that's all you got to do. 

If the song has one of these things, I will enjoy listening to it. If it has 2/3, I consider it good music. If by chance it gets a 3/3, I become obsessed. Sounds simple right? This can span across all genres. I have loved everything from country to bluegrass to gospel to rap to pop...you name it. I am usually one who finds bits and pieces from artists and enjoys them individually, rather than just diving into one particular artist or genre. 

I found myself recently more in love with artists like Sara Barrellies and Emeli Sande, probably because I am a singer and vocally, these are songs I can not only enjoy lyrically, but I can vocally hit their ranges and sing along. (In case its not obvious, I lean towards female artists)

So I was recently enlightened to the world of John Mayer. When he was first mentioned to me, I was kinda annoyed, because I hadn't really followed his career at all and with what has been overplayed on the radio, I felt like he was just some overrated heartthrob male singer, something I was not interested in listening to. With an open mind, trusting the person who was a super fan, I followed a playlist they sent me of their favorite songs. I was expecting 10 songs and it rounded out at 46 songs that were recorded and about 5 that have never been studio recorded. I was in a little overwhelmed state, and going in with the opinion I probably wouldn't like it, I decided I would still give it at try. 

Victoria

Comfortable

Covered in Rain

3x5

Back to You

Not Myself

Great Indoors

Come Back to Bed

Split Screen Sadness

Home Life

Hummingbird

Tracing

In Your Atmosphere

Good Love Is On the Way

Everyday I have the Blues

Who do You Think I Was

Belief

The Heart of Life

Stop This Train

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

Dreaming with a Broken Heart

In Repair

Say

Go Easy on Me

The Age of Worry

Born and Raised

If I Ever Get Around to Living

Walt Grace

A Face to Call Home

Whiskey, Whisky, Whiskey

Wildfire

Dear Marie

Waiting on the Day

I Will Be Found

On the Way Home

Everything You'll Ever Be

Heartbreak Warfare

All We Ever Do is Say Goodbye

Assassin

Edge of Desire

Man on the Side

Why Did you mess with forever

Everything is not Broken

Another Kind of Green (JM Trio)

Try (JM Trio)

Portable Heart

I immediately knew in the first 30 seconds of Victoria that it was different than I expected. THE FIRST 30 SECONDS.  I really didn't expect the feeling I got listening to it. Then on to Comfortable. It made me smile, something music doesn't usually make me do. I can sway, dance, and roll the windows down and jam, but smile? I am not sure that had ever really happened. 

So I continued to listen.....all.....day.....long.....

all evening long....

all the next day.....

falling deeper and deeper into this rabbit hole that has been here all this time and I never even knew about it. 

Its like I felt as though, I understood so many things he was saying. Lets not forget his ridiculous talent. I never realized how musically talented he is, vocally talented he is, and lyrically talented he is. How many artists write everything they preform? Did you know he writes all his lyrics and music? Oh you did? Yeah I had no clue. 

I made it a soft "goal/resolution" to be more open to ideas, music, movies, books this year than ever before. I am certainly glad I gave JM a chance. I can. not.... stop..... listening. 

He gets a 3/3. His music isn't just good music, its some of the best I have ever listened to. Even when I a "say what you need to say" and "gravity" plays that I know all the words to because I heard it over and over, now they have a little different meaning to me. 

I challenge you to check out this playlist. Give it a shot, even if you like his stuff just okay, or have never been a fan, just do it........I don't believe you'll regret it. 

Until we meet again....

XOXO

And They Lived Happily Ever After Plan B

Once upon a time, as the story often goes, the noble prince must travel a far journey to rescue the princess from her tower and fight a mighty dragon in the process. He trains vigilantly and prepares himself. He goes into battle, brave, and with confidence that he will slay the dragon and will rescue the princess. He also does this at whatever cost. We see this story played out in fairy tales numerous times. It often shows the prince or noble knight almost killed in the process but makes a valiant comeback to save the day. He had a goal and focused on completing it. He never had another option worth exploring but to go after his desire, the princess. Do you think he would have taken a Plan B given the option? Would he have just settled for the handmaiden rather than go after what he was supposed to obtain?

Much also like my 3 year old daughter. I have endlessly been working with her to potty train her. It was going well and she would rarely soil her pull up. The last week or so she became very, lazy I suppose for lack of a better word. I was cleaning up more poop and dirty pull ups than I had since we switched to them from diapers. I came to the point of realizing she was starting to settle. She knew she could do whatever she wanted and not have to visit the bathroom if she wore a pull up. The pull-ups were her plan B. As long as I was willing to change those poopy pull ups, she didn't see a reason to stop doing her business in them. Once I realized this, this completely changed the game. After the 3rd poopy pull-up that she brought and handed to me, as you can imagine, making quite a mess, I was done. I cleaned her up, put underwear on her and told her no more, that if she had to go to the bathroom, she needs to visit the potty. (I knew by working with her this long and seeing how well she had done in panties that she was ready, I feel I should side note that I wasn't forcing her before she was able).

Guess what? Not a single accident or mess since then. It would seem like a miracle except it was a matter of taking away her plan B. Taking away her crutch.

I am barely a millennial, on the cusp of the gen Yer's I think. I am not knowledgeable enough about what they called us but it was after Gen Xers. Regardless, we have always been taught, "Go after your dreams, but keep in mind and solidify that plan B just in case it doesn't work out like you hope." Throughout my life it has seemed like good advice. A safety net sounds like the perfect thing to have when you are on a high balance beam. The problem is that many of us settled in our plan B. We worked so hard to get a solid plan B that we never really reached past to what our Plan A goals were. Now for some, they love their plan B and enjoy that path. I feel there are others, (myself included) that relied too much on that Plan B and because I was, well, lazy for a lack of better word, I sat in my soiled pull-up while everyone around me was moving on. Now I sit in my beautiful safety net I created, (because lets face it the imagery is much better than me in a soiled pull-up) but it means nothing if I don't get on the balance beam and see what I can do.

Its going to take some work, but I am going to try and eliminate some plan B's from my life. Things that should have been a safety net have merely held me back from pushing to get what I wanted. Had I not had a net to fall in, I might be living the Plan A I always dreamed of. Maybe not. Does anyone really know? Its like sink or swim. You will survive or you will drown, but as long as you wear a lifevest, you may never really learn how to safe yourself.

Think about this the next time you don't have enough money to invest in your dream, or when you don't have enough time to start that project you've wanted to for so long. Stop settling for average and marginal when you were created for so much more.

I know I was, so I'm going to embrace it. No one said it would be easy, it actually will be the hardest thing you've done, but I know it will be worth it.

Xoxoxox

SUV, Smartphone, and Her Sanity

Some days when I get home early and I have some time before I have to go get my little lovelies, I sit in my driveway, in my SUV on my smartphone. A normal person would likely jump out of their car, run inside and enjoy the peacefulness of their quiet home. I cringed. I started to feel my anxiety go up thinking about going inside. So many memories, thoughts, projects unfinished. To be sitting in my car with so much more peace than entering into what should be my sanctuary.

I sat there for a few minutes, contemplating if I would sit out there for 20 minutes before having to go get them. I love feeling the hot sun and the sweet cool breeze. I take a sip of my sweet tea and for a moment just breathe. Amazon music on, a favorite soothing playlist I have created. I feel my head fall back into the headrest and I close my eyes for a brief moment. 

"Go inside." The little voice says.

I sit there even longer. Thinking then of all the things I could get done in those now 15 minutes I had before I had to leave and go get them. I could start more laundry, because I am great at washing and drying laundry. I could win awards for how great I am at putting clothes in the washer, maybe only honorable mention for getting them in the dryer. Afterwards it gets a little fuzzy. I then add it to the basket on top of the dryer next to the other basket, full of clean clothes. It never ends. Then I think about how that whole laundry room is completely not set up practical for what I need it to be, which then just brings in more negative thoughts about the house itself and things that have happened there. 

"Go inside"

I sit there longer, thinking I could maybe unload the dishwasher or contemplate what I should make for dinner. Maybe I will just pick up some chicken from the grocery store, that's easy enough. I get bonus points because its not McDonald's right? I have some fruit inside and I can throw a veggie with it. Dinner done. 

"Go inside"

Let see what is going on on Instagram....scroll, scroll, scroll, like, like. I don't understand these new 'stories". I get so restless of social media in general. I am so glad everyone else has their life together. I can't even go inside my own house without fearing a panic attack. Why doesn't this happen when I bring the kids home? I guess when you're a mom of 3 children, work full time, are finishing college and trying to not lose every ounce of who you are, you just do what you need to do. Its really like reflex. I never really thought I had it in me to be a mom. I struggle with this because I am not a "great mom". I am marginal I suppose. My mom was gone a lot growing up and I had to figure out too many things on my own. I just want better for them, while trying to deal with all my issues. I do have happy, healthy, mostly well behaved kids. No, I am not giving them glutton free non MSG foods without red dye number 5, but we get by. I was raised on much less and I turned out okay, well.....I should rethink that statement. 

"Go inside"

Am I stalling? Wait, I have a Twitter notification! Oh, its some spam account that has followed me. That was a little let down.  Scroll, scroll, like, re-tweet. Wow this person re-tweets way way way too much. *Turns off retweets*. Sigh, that's better. 

"Go inside"

Well I have managed to sit out here for at least 10 minutes, feeling the breeze, singing to my music while enjoying the sunshine. Why would I give that up? Lets see, I could scroll through FB, it has been like 4 days since I looked at that scary place. Wow, you are getting desperate here girl. Ok, that was a bad idea. I couldn't get past the first 5 posts. 

"Go inside"

Fine. But only because I have to go the bathroom and by the time I get in, do my business and get out it will be time to go get my little wonders. 

"Why are you still sitting there?"

The sunshine heat just feels so good. I can wait to use the bathroom, maybe I will just go for a drive until its time to pick them up, I need to go get the chicken anyway.

"Seatbelt"

Anxiety appears to have won this battle. I never did go inside. I went, picked up chicken, picked up my children and we all came home together and fell into our routine of "Leave your sister alone", "No, get that out of your mouth," and "Its bedtime!"

I do however think though, for those 20 or so minutes I spent in that car, its just me time. Chrissy Time. Relax and shut out the world for just a few seconds time. I can be whoever I want to be, kind of like Cinderella "in her own little corner, in her own little chair"  For a brief moment I'm not just "their mom" or "her daughter" or "her sister" but just me. The girl who's heart is too big and mind that is rarely satisfied. Who is craving not only knowledge but moments. Experiences. Memories. So even if she sat in her car, for 20 minutes instead of going inside, she took the time needed for herself. 

Maybe it was a win after all. 

Xoxo